Strip Club Etiquette: Yes, There's RULES To This Shit...

So, me and my one of my peoples were at the bar, going hard with the L.I.T.'s as we regularly do, and in our usual drunken stupor, decided it was time for a good ol' trip to our favorite hood tittie bar!

Now, we've thrown many a dollar in this spot, and have occasionally even made it "DRIZZLE" (you will NEVER get "RAIN" from the kid), but for some reason, this night turned into one of experiential learning.

What we took from this night, besides a lot of titty squeezes and ass smacks, was a new found understanding of 21st century strip club etiquette, and how to REALLY get it poppin' like K-Ci and Jo-Jo in the "How Do You Want It Video", on a Corona budget.

Here are 10 points to that will help you navigate through any "tata":

1. Show Up 30-45 Minutes Before the Strip Club Closes - This is a secret me and the crew have used for years. If you come close to closing time you will have the opportunity to catch these strippers trying to finish up stronger than Mariano Rivera, scrambling to get that last-second money harder than John Elway on a 2-minute drive. When they see that fresh "money on the floor", they coming to get it. This also helps when you have been drinking, because it limits the amount of money you can foolishly throw in the midst of your drunk stupidity. Most importantly, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO DO IN THE STRIP CLUB THAT TAKES MORE TIME THAN THIS?

2. Act Like You REALLY Give a Fuck About the Negroes Doing Security - Man, fuck these Craig and Day-Day, Top Flight Security-Ass Negroes. Dudes got on suits and bluetooths, fronting like they are ear pieces, all to guard some 3rd-rate broads. Whatever. However, show these brothers some love, and if you're cool, maybe they will turn the other cheek if you cop an inappropriate feel on one of the young ladies!

3. ALWAYS Use An Alias - I shouldn't even have to tell y'all no shit like this. Cats be up in these strip clubs trading FACTUAL contact information with these strippers! Yo, that ain't nothing but an invitation to be a JOHN. You want these strippers to DEAD-ASS KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN PUBLIC? They might even be from your hood, and what if they see you and say wassup, especially if you with your lady? Yo, I would black the fuck out! I remember this stripper asked me, "what is your name, FOR NEXT TIME (Chick, you can't be fuckin' serious?!). My response, "Lawrence....Lawrence Fishburne". Next time, I will be "Larry Hoover". Negroes, y'all need to get a motherfuckin' grip, for real.

4. Avoid Eye Contact - Like Jamie Foxx says about Prince, don't be letting these dancers look you directly in your eyes. If you make eye contact, they are gonna take that as an invitation to be all up in your face with conversation, and with all due respect to these young ladies, I didn't come through to talk.

5. Yo, Keep Y'all Lips Off These Broads Man, For Real - Yo, NOTHING disgusts me more in the strip club to see some lame Negro trying to make a love scene with a stripper - NOTHING. My dude, you know damn well shorty been sliding all over that stage, up and down that dirty ass pole, and cats been spilling their drinks on shorty all night. I probably even done practiced my trademark "dollar-bill jumpshot" in her g-string earlier, but now here yo' ass go, up in here trying to have a male erotica moment by the bar with a STRIPPER like y'all are Jada Pinkett and Alan Payne in Jason's Lyric. Man, you a fuckin' sucker. Save that "It's the Henny" shit too, ain't enough drunk in the motherfuckin' world!

6. When a Stripper Starts Poppin' It On You, Don't Throw It Back Too Hard - Son, don't fight it, just LET IT HAPPEN. You gonna be drunk, standing at the bar, and shorty gonna just drop it right there in front of you and start grinding you down all recklessly and your clown ass gonna wanna prove your "manhood". My dude if you in the strip club, you technically a "grown-ass man" (while some of y'all might act like some bitches), so what business do you have trying to "dip it low" with some broad. Let her get her little dance off, hit her with a couple of singles, and on to the next one.

7. No Wifin' In Da Club: Keep that 20 Dollars - My Negro, can I live up in this bitch too? You always got this brother, who wanna keep the one bangin' one with the fatty and the DSL's (Dick-Sucking Lips) hemmed up in the corner, keeping her cup full, whispering in her ear. Dude, you are the reason these strippers have the "AUDACITY OF HOPE" to be some high-post females, when they the ones in here with all their unmentionables being not only mentioned, but also grabbed and squeezed relentlessly by dirtbag Negroes. Man, let shorty get this money up in here! Larry Johnson-Ass Negro!

8. Compliment the Stripper on Her Tattoos and Her "War Wounds" (and Don't Laugh!) - Strippers almost by definition have the wildest tattoos and scars you will ever see. Shorties be having all types of shit on they body, they kids faces, paws, guns, tears drops from they eyes, the names of dudes who was smashing them out back in the day, and my personal favorite, the butterfly in the middle of the chest, whose wings are made up of her titties. They also be showing off they battle scars too, like the time that trick thought she touched his pocket and tried to stab her (shit get real, sometimes). While that shit be making you wanna laugh, just say "Nice!" and keep it moving. She will appreciate it, show you some assie, let you palm it up, wink, then keep it moving.

9. "Show Mo' Love" to the Wack One - Classic strip club scenario. There is that one stripper who might not be looking right in the least, but she a working girl, and what little she do have, she puttin' out there for Negroes. This is the ONLY time you should be a gentleman in the strip club. Plus, this shit worked for "Shallow Hal" in that flick, and it will make the bangin' ones in the strip club think you sweet, and will get you even more attention, and on a good night, maybe even an extra lappie.

(MOST IMPORTANT) 10. Place the Dollars at the Top of the Ass Crack and Don't Put The Bills Too Close to the Pussy, Because "They Have Germs on Them" - Perhaps the STUPIDEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN A STRIP CLUB, but these strippers is really germaphobes when it comes to puttin' dollar bills next to their coochies. Now the fact that a lot of these young ladies will take the average dusty Negro to the backroom and dry fuck and possibly slob a lil' knob for $50-100, kinda flies in the face of this otherwise logical theory, but if these chicks wanna keep my dollars away from they slits, I respect it.

I'm telling yall, this is the blueprint to this strip club shit right here! You think I'm kidding, try it out, just stay the fuck out my way up in the spot!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard