Monday, December 7, 2009
Let me be the first to welcome you to your new found life as a Black man! Now that you have arrived, make yourself real comfortable, because as they say, "Once you go black, YOU NEVER GO BACK!
Now I know your sitting up in that Florida mansion like, "Damn, why are all of these people who used to always speak so kindly about me and applaud every time I swing a golf club, turning their backs on me?” I've got the answer for you; but first, do me a favor: get up off that Alpaca couch, put down that Gatorade, slide on your Nike house shoes and take a walk up to your bathroom. Once you get there, look into that mirror above the sink and take a really good look at the brownish hew of the skin on that figure you see. In that reflection, if you look long and hard enough, you will find your answer.
Tiger, as I always say on this blog, I do not judge people, because we are all fucked up in a multitude of ways, but I do judge actions (including my own). While the rest of the world is quick to write you off as a villain; a poor husband; a cheater and even possibly a "Nigger" now, I say that I stand in full support of you as a man, and surprisingly, despite your beliefs to the contrary, a Negro brother.
You are surely not the first man in the world to be fucking somebody on the side, and damn sure will not be the last (Shit, I shamefully admit that I have been known over the years to have gotten a little head or ass on the side). Yet, even bigger than your "transgressions" as you put them, is the sin that is your skin.
I remember when you first came out screaming that, "I'm Cablasian (White, Black and Asian)" shit, and I remember how fucking stupid I thought you sounded at the time, and how much I wanted to slap the shit out of you. You have often reminded me of Uncle Ruckus on the TV show, The Boondocks, with that denial of your blackness shit. I wasn't mad because you choose to identify all the races from which you descended, because that is commendable, but rather, because of the fact that it really seems like you believe that this gives you some sort of racial ambiguity. We all know that you were raised by a strong black father, and regardless of whatever biracial ancestry you have, I am sure that he shared with you the perils of his life as a black man, and as such, you should have known better.
Yes Tiger, the real issue is not the creeping you did, but rather, the fact that you got TOO FUCKING COMFORTABLE with your "Magic Negro" status. You actually bought into your own corporate marketing hype and thought you could really transcend your skin color. You allowed your inner circle to consist of solely Caucasians, and instead of becoming "The Spook Who Sat by the Door", you really grew to be a House Negro. Shit, does Barack Obama ever look comfortable to you? We witnessed all his hair turn gray in less than a year, just running for the Oval Office. If the Black President can't chill for a second, how do you figure you can?
Now that shit has hit the fan, where the fuck are the majority of your white comrades? Busy consoling your wife (which I don't mean to infer for a second that she doesn't deserve); their Caucasian counterpart. Your homie and fellow (white) golfer, Jesper Parnevik, introduced you to your wife, but now says he didn't know that "you were that type of guy (what the fuck does that mean?)" Where is your ace-boon-coon Roger Federer right now? Trying to keep his ass as far away from you as possible, before his Gillette deal is in jeopardy too.
What's also sad is that it seems like you don't even pay attention to history. Kobe Bryant (Black man) gets accused of rape by a white woman, and he has to go on TV and shave his face clean to look less "intimidating" and cry one of those single tears like Denzel in Glory, then spend half the season flying across the country in G-4s from legal courts to basketball courts. However,Ben Roethlisberger (white man) gets accused of rape by a white woman and he isn't even late for practice once. David Letterman (white man) gets EXTORTED by some dude because he was fucking multiple women during his marriage, and he cracks some jokes and the shit blows over, and then you (black man) fuck some broads on the side and he is doing his opening monologue making fun of YOU.
The WORST part of it all? The chicks you was smashing out ain't even POPPIN'!!! These is some REAL EXTRA SO-SO broads at best, and you are about to GIVE UP HALF for them? Of course, NOT A DROP OF COLOR IN ANY OF THEM. Its crazy too, because in looking at some of these texts, it appears that you were dead-ass in love with these chicks too, some of which were even PORNO STARS! How do you have a WIFE and a CHILD at home, and lying down with CAREER COCKSUCKERS?
In fact, you were so far gone with this shit, that you even let one of the chicks, Jaimee Grubbs, gas you up about how you are her "FIRST, LAST, AND ONLY BLACK GUY" and as such, "U SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL", as if this broad is some sort of White Cracker Jack prize or some shit. While it disgusts me that this ignorance didn't even bother you in the least, it was only made worse by your comical response: some stupid-ass comment about being "Bone Thugs in Harmony" (Like, what the fuck are you talking about)?
Now, after the dust settles and you see just how little White America REALLY loves your ass, you are gonna be left with us good old Negroes. One great thing about us as Blacks though, is that we forgive a lot of shit (Michael Jackson and R. Kelly are PEDOPHILES and yet keep iconic status). So while I would not be surprised to see you begin to make a couple of obligatory appearances at black events like the BET AWARDS, or maybe the NAACP Image Awards, I truly hope you wake the fuck up and come to grips with the fact that you are just like the rest of us Negroes, chinky eyes and all.
When all of this shit eventually blows over (and it will), remember the way you feel right now, cooped up in that kitchen like a project drug dealer, with the world casting you as the "typical black man" and don't ever think for a second think you are fully accepted by Caucasians - EVER. This isn't saying that all white people or any whole group of people is completely bad, but what I am saying is that you are not down by blood brother, just relation.
As I watch all of this tomfoolery unfold, I just ask myself, "Why?" Is it stupidity? is it naivety? I and everyone else who watches surely don't have an answer.
Then again, as you told your mistress Jaimee, maybe its just because your "BLASIAN :) (Why the smiley face though?)"
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
You don't understand how much it pains me to write this. This is like when boxer Terry Norris fucked up a well past his prime Sugar Ray Leonard and started crying because he beat the breaks off someone he truly admired.
As I sit here, in my mind I just keep picturing that scene from the 5 Heartbeats, when Eddie Kane shows up with an Academy-Award losing rendition of "Nights Like This", then looks at Flash and mutters in that raspy-ass voice, "How does it feel to be me...". However in this scene, I don't see Eddie Kane's face, I see R. Kelly's; and I don't see Flash's face, I see a Negro like Trey Songz or The-Dream.
Listen, I have always loved this man's music and literally mark certain periods in my life by his songs; like when we didn't have cable in the hood, and my mom's friends used to tape Video Soul for us, and I used to watch the Honey Love video over and over again; When my uncle passed away and I used to cry listening to Turn Back the Hands of Time; When I broke up with an ex and was bumping that I Can't Sleep joint, and when TP2.com dropped and I spent one sweaty night pounding the ass cheeks out of another ex with straight backshots in her college dorm room to R&B Thug (Good Times!).
Now don't get me wrong, I am simply talking about this man's musical genius, as outside of these songs we all know that "The Pied Piper of Kids and Pee" is a fuckin' perve and a weirdo. We all know he has set the bar in being a cornball, doing dumb shit like wearing purple leather suspender pants and matching doo-rags, wearing braids and singing about weed at the age of 40, having diva fits in the middle of concert tours, and wearing fatigues and pitching tents in the middle of recording studios talking about he "going to war" on his tracks, as if being the first Catch a Predator-eligible R&B singer was not enough for Negroes to clown this man about.
But, the Negro can sing about the dumbest shit in the world, and if that shit got a melody, WE ON IT! He done sung about zoos, sex in kitchens, chicks reminding him of fuck in SUVs, and even about midgets being baby-daddies. To this day, I still do not know what the fuck a "Thoia-Thong" is.
So, in typical fashion, I go and cop this latest R. joint, "Untitled". To my dismay (for my hood Negroes, "surprise"), after listening, I do have a title for this shit: LUKEWARM, or maybe even, LOSIN' IT.
For the record, I am not a musical critic; just a fan. Also, I gotta admit that there are definitely a couple of classic R-Kelly ballads and mid-tempo joints that are straight FIRE, as would be expected of him. However, even if this entire grows on me later (like TP3 had to do), it will not change the fact that Kellz has become a straight up fuckin' sucka for giving up his legendary formula of album creation trying to assimilate (for my hood Negroes, "swagga jack") for the current industry landscape and be a gimmicky artist. If we got this effort from another artist, the album would actually be pretty decent, but for an artist of your stature, a so-so album is simply UNACCEPTABLE.
First off, R. Kelly, you can REALLY fuckin' sing, and yet you got all these tracks using Autotunes? Second, you got a catalog that few others in the music business can rival, and you doing wack-ass collabos with lames like OJ Da Juiceman and singing over club and house beats? Finally, I reiterate: Why the fuck are you singing about weed when you will be 43 in a little over a month! Grow the fuck up! Kellz, like, what the fuck is really going on with you right now? What woman am I gonna be taking to bed with this choppy-ass album? Right when we get into the groove of one of the ballads, the track is gonna switch to you talking about being SUPAMAN HIGH? Grown women don't sex to dumb shit like that - Oh wait, my fault Kellz, I just remembered you got "19 year old friends", as you told Toure on BET, fresh off trial for statutory rape.
Kellz, listen to me: The main reason you have been hot all these years is because you were always CONSISTENT. That's why you and Michael Jackson are the only men that Negroes have rode with through PEDOPHILIA (Yo, do you know how real that shit right there is?!)You got all these little Kellys out here like Trey Songz, The-Dream, and that "Birthday Sex" dude stealing your whole fuckin' blueprint and doing it better than you at the current time, kinda like you did to Aaron Hall. In fact, I ain't even gonna front; as much as it hurts me to admit, Trey Songz album is much hotter than your shit, and you know why? Because he took your whole catalog and condensed it for 2009. Taking nothing away from that man, because I like his music as well, "Invented Sex" is just the new "Sex in the Kitchen" and "Say Aah" is just the new "Fiesta". The sad shit is, you wrote on this man's last album, and after he got poppin' a little bit even came for your neck. Now he on stage lunging Toni Braxton, and you doing songs with fuckin' OJ THE JUICEMAN (As you can see, that collabo got me heated).
Bottom line, Robert Sylvester Kelly, make up your fuckin' mind man; either you wanna keep that fan base that supports you at all your shows and take their wifee or man home and fuck after you do your classics, or you wanna try to "stay relevant" and do "Best of Both Worlds 3" with Plies or Gucci Mane.
Do the latter, and you know what it is with me.
A Negro and a Keyboard
Friday, November 27, 2009
Now I just wanna put a disclaimer out there that this is some of the FOULEST SHIT that I have ever seen done to anyone who is developmentally-disabled (for you hood Negroes,"retarded"), but I can't even front; the shit is HILARIOUS. What is even funnier is the fact that despite his disability, Eli is 10 times better than a lot of rappers in the game now, and if trash-ass Negroes like Gucci Mane and Plies got deals, he gotta be next in line.
Peep Eli in a freestlye battle vs. some clown named Envy below, as well as his first fsingle "Maybach Music Part 2" featuring T-Pain:
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Talk about art imitating life! As if it were a trailer to a remake of the classic Jay-Z, Is That Your Chick? video (To illustrate my point I am going to infuse lyrics from this song all throughout this post bolded in italics and parentheses), it has recently come to light that Gilbert Arenas' fiancee, a SEXY ASS red-bone named Laura Govan (on his left in the pic), been taking down my man Shaq Diesel for years (Copped that for his new down bitch, and I been digging that down since '96!). Recently released E-mail exchanges between Shaq and shorty seem to indicate that my dude "Kazaam" been smutting her out real nice; even after she already had two kids with Gilbert and a engagement rock with "no clouds in her stooooones" (She got you whipped, got your kids, got your home, but that's not your bitch! YOU SHARE THAT GIRL!). In fact, this broad is so out of pocket, that apparently in '06, they were gonna break up and she threatened to serve him with paternity papers during a Wizards game!
The saddest shit about the whole situation is that shorty is expecting their 3rd child at the current time, so the Negro in it to win it (How foul is she? And YOU WIFED HER!).
Now, I am not judging anyone, but this situation is fucked up on so many levels:
First, Shaq, you already married with an OD amount of children, and now, in the words of 50, Shaunie O'Neal is going straight to the bank with this (HA, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA). Diesel, you already was on the verge of divorce, until ya legal team broke out a calculator and showed you why it was "cheaper to keep her". Yeah, that money gonna come up, Negro.
Second, apparently Shaunie and Laura were friends, so think of all the times Shaunie was like "Girl, Shaq ain't made me cum in years", and Laura was like "I hear that!" Shaq got his wife out here looking and sounding all stupid and shit.
Third, did y'all Negroes see these texts Shaq and shorty was exchanging?! Shorty talking about Shaq chewing her coochie down, digging her out in cars (I got your, bitch up in my Rover, man) and all types of reckless shit - over i-Phone! (How she say, "Jay, you can call the house for me!"). This is somebody's moms carrying on like this, but I guess like Jody says in Baby Boy, "Mama gotta have a life too..."
Fourth, what the fuck is Gilbert Arenas gonna do about it? Y'all seen what Shaq did to Alvin Robertson jaw and I'm not even gonna mention Greg Ostertag (You seen him since?). Arenas know he don't want NO PROBLEMAS! The other day, I just saw something where Gilbert Arenas had some internet clips where he was sending some "warning shots" at Shaq. Man, besides getting ya ass aired the fuck out, please do not forget that Shaq was all up in the love of ya life and you took Beyonce's advice and put a ring on it (SMH).
Lastly, all these motherfuckas should be 'shamed because there are children in the middle of all this. Now they gotta grow up like, "My moms is a bucket" or "My pops is a sucker for love".
Now, I don't get on these Negroes to say I or you are better than them, because keeping it 100, I done fucked Negroes girls in the past and Negroes done fucked my joints too (Shit, one of my ex's fucked a celebrity on some "Come to the room and play Playstation with me" G; Yeah I played mines lovely with one of those). All of us have played the fool once or twice.
I do get on these Negroes though, because in the midst of all of this opulence (for my hood Negroes, that means "bread" or "guac") these clowns engage in all this tomfoolery (again, for my hood Negroes, that means "stupid shit"), when they should be focusing their celebrity and influence on setting a decent example of adulthood for these little Negroes admiring their silly asses, who are already all fucked up off BET and SMACK DVD's. Everyone of these Negroes is a parent; just fucking ridiculous.
Gilbert and Shaq, y'all both some bitch ass Negroes and y'all need to stop fucking saving these hoes, and start saving y'all motherfucking houses!
A Negro and a Keyboard
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
As I said in my introductory post, I try to take the time to sit back and OBSERVE things before I render judgements. I also said that I don't judge people, but situations.
I am telling y'all, I try soooo hard to give other black men the benefit of the doubt, particularly one I do not know personally, but FUCK IT: Kansas City Chiefs Running Back Larry Johnson is has been carrying himself like a straight-up, bitch-ass Negro (and YOU KNOW I am biting my tongue not to use the N-Word I wanna use, and I don't mean the one that ends with an "A").
In order to stop any of y'all from thinking that I am hating on this man, I am going to acknowledge that when at his best, this man has displayed a penchant for running all over opposing teams, and making touchdown runs look as easy as YOUR MOTHER (Just kidding (I hope), but I couldn't help it). When the brother CHOOSES to focus on the game, he can be one of the best. As a collegiate player at Penn State University, Larry Johnson amassed amazing stats and has the 3-highest single-game rushing totals in the school's history, having broken his own record twice, including a high of 327 yards. Even as a rookie in the NFL, he is the first player in the league's history to rush for at least 150 yards in each of his first three professional games. I can't front, the dude's game was OFFICIAL. I even rode with this brother during his holdout, because for the numbers he was puttin' up at the time, he deserved far more money than he was getting, especially not to have a guaranteed contract.
Talent aside though, I have also noticed that ever since this man has entered the league, he has tried to portray this persona of being some super-tough guy, but let's REALLY put the microscope on this Negro:
1) Everytime you see this man, he's somewhere "thugged-out" so to speak, tatted up all crazy, big chains, bandanas around his neck, popping bottles crazy, mean-mugging and all types of other pseudo-thug shit. However, let the record show that Larry Alphonso Johnson, Jr. is from a town called La Plata, Maryland (How many scenes from The Wire you saw filmed here?), where he grew up in a house (not apartment) with both his parents, where his father was employed as a high school vice-principal, and played for a high school team called the "Little Lions". Don't this Negro sound like motherfuckin' Papa Doc from 8 Mile? Damn, WikiPedia be exposing these dudes, for real.
2) Carefully OBSERVE this man's fuck-boy demeanor IN GENERAL. He is ALWAYS frowning or whining about some shit, looking like somebody done stole his motherfuckin' 8-Ball jacket. From his rookie year until the present day, he always has some melodrama with his coach. In 2004, he was beefing with then-Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil, because he was whining about playing time and the coach straight up told his bitch-ass, "take the diapers off". Most recently, on October 25th, after putting up some trash numbers, he then proceeds to take his issues with his coach head coach to fuckin' Twitter, comparing his head coach's experience to that of his dad, who is currently a defensive coach at Penn State. Next, when some fans responded negatively to his cyberspace-tough talk, he proceeds to call them "faggots" and follows that with some, "I'm Cak'n Patna", money-talk bullshit that has nothing to do with why this man is out there looking like Blair Thomas (Who? Exactly...). To top it off, the next day, when some reporters confront him about the comments, he brushes them off, and adds them to the "faggot" role call. The funny shit is, after the team's management politely told this Negro to stay the fuck out of the Chiefs facility, he has his agent issue some lame-ass apology on his behalf. Beyond the fact that his comments are clearly offensive, how can you call people faggots when you don't even publicly apologize for that lame shit you was talkin'. Larry, take a look in your Louis Vuitton man-purse (Negro, I know you got one), pull out your compact, and look in the mirror, and I think you'll see the "faggot" in this situation.
3) Larry Johnson has been arrested four times in his life for the same thing - ASSAULTING WOMEN. Among these charges include claims that this Negro has waived a gun at an ex-girlfriend, pushed a female to the ground, mushed some chick and spit a drink in the face of another. My dude, you really spit a drink in some shorty's face? What did she do, make eyes at your man? In that case, you might as well have pulled her hair or something - Oh wait, my bad, you already did that to Troy Polamalu after he intercepted that pass in front of you and your ass couldn't stop him!
Larry, I'm not judging you as a man, because even while I talk this shit, I'm fucked up in many ways too, and underneath it all, your probably a decent person. You are also a young brother, and therefore I understand that popular culture tends to dictate how you should carry yourself as such. What I am judging though, is the way you have let this celebrity shit fuck your whole head up.
If its any consolation, you still my Negro though!
A Negro and A Keyboard
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I'ma also gonna tell y'all now, a lot of the things that you are going to read on this blog are going to sound judgemental - and best believe, you got that shit ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
I am going to blast off on all types of topics, including other Negroes, non-Negroes, politics, urban life, entertainment, my own dumb ass and if she's anywhere in my vicinity when I'm typing, even your mother! But in any judgements I make about issues, I will NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE, JUST SITUATIONS, because we are all FUCKED UP in one way or another, and believe me, when you hear me talk this shit I talk, you will quickly see that I am no better than y'all, nor will I ever profess to be.
Now I will admit, there will probably be times that I sound like a real asshole, other times like a Black Republican, and even occasionally, like that brother that cock-blocked you at the martini bar last weekend, when you had on your tailor-made Van Heusen suit, buying those sexy 20-somethings all of those free Patron shots, lying about your job, and I asked you after a few L.I.T.'s of my own, "Are those your daughters?" In reality though, I'm just as normal as any of you that are reading these rants.
I have been blessed to experience a lot at an early age (if you consider your 30's early) and without running my whole resume like a cornball, I have a Masters Degree and have been fortunate to have a number of different managerial jobs over the years. But more important than any of these surface-level accomplishments, is the fact that I have always OBSERVED everything around me, and have actually taken the time to try and make sense of this world, not only from my perspective, but the perspective of OTHERS. I read a lot as well, especially publications that help me find my way as a Black male, like W.E.B. DuBois, Carter G. Woodson, Eldridge Cleaver, Cornel West and Barack Obama.
However, rest assured, I'm am in no way a Black Elitist, bourgeoisie ("booshie" for my hood Negroes), or anything of the sort. In fact Negroes, I'm from the same hood y'all from, played ball in the same courts y'all did, grew up with the same crackheads y'all did, and sexed or got "top" from the same hood-booger and tramp-stamp broads y'all have, in the same pissy staircases, on the same couches, in the same public bathrooms and in the same backseats y'all have. So goes the dichotomy of my life.
At any rate, this blog is going to be therapeutic for me, because like y'all, I got shit to deal with, and I'ma work my shit out by going hard at things that affect my daily experience. In doing this, I hope I can bring a little extra insight to your world and maybe if I'm lucky, entertain you a little bit.
I'm also gonna let some of my peoples get up on this blog from time to time and holla at y'all about the nonsense they deal with, just so y'all can truly see that this Negro ain't at all crazy.
In the end, I promise to hold nothing back from y'all no matter how outlandish it may seem, and I promise that on this blog you will always get REAL TALK (I hate that dumb-ass phrase, but I couldn't think of any better way to phrase it). Like the tagline says, "Ain't No Science To This Shit", I'm just talking. But please know, I'MA MAKE Y'ALL LOVE ME...
A Negro and A Keyboard