Monday, December 7, 2009

An Open Letter to Tiger Woods: How's That "Cablasian" Shit Working Out Right About Now?

Dear Tiger:

Let me be the first to welcome you to your new found life as a Black man! Now that you have arrived, make yourself real comfortable, because as they say, "Once you go black, YOU NEVER GO BACK!

Now I know your sitting up in that Florida mansion like, "Damn, why are all of these people who used to always speak so kindly about me and applaud every time I swing a golf club, turning their backs on me?” I've got the answer for you; but first, do me a favor: get up off that Alpaca couch, put down that Gatorade, slide on your Nike house shoes and take a walk up to your bathroom. Once you get there, look into that mirror above the sink and take a really good look at the brownish hew of the skin on that figure you see. In that reflection, if you look long and hard enough, you will find your answer.

Tiger, as I always say on this blog, I do not judge people, because we are all fucked up in a multitude of ways, but I do judge actions (including my own). While the rest of the world is quick to write you off as a villain; a poor husband; a cheater and even possibly a "Nigger" now, I say that I stand in full support of you as a man, and surprisingly, despite your beliefs to the contrary, a Negro brother.

You are surely not the first man in the world to be fucking somebody on the side, and damn sure will not be the last (Shit, I shamefully admit that I have been known over the years to have gotten a little head or ass on the side). Yet, even bigger than your "transgressions" as you put them, is the sin that is your skin.

I remember when you first came out screaming that, "I'm Cablasian (White, Black and Asian)" shit, and I remember how fucking stupid I thought you sounded at the time, and how much I wanted to slap the shit out of you. You have often reminded me of Uncle Ruckus on the TV show, The Boondocks, with that denial of your blackness shit. I wasn't mad because you choose to identify all the races from which you descended, because that is commendable, but rather, because of the fact that it really seems like you believe that this gives you some sort of racial ambiguity. We all know that you were raised by a strong black father, and regardless of whatever biracial ancestry you have, I am sure that he shared with you the perils of his life as a black man, and as such, you should have known better.

Yes Tiger, the real issue is not the creeping you did, but rather, the fact that you got TOO FUCKING COMFORTABLE with your "Magic Negro" status. You actually bought into your own corporate marketing hype and thought you could really transcend your skin color. You allowed your inner circle to consist of solely Caucasians, and instead of becoming "The Spook Who Sat by the Door", you really grew to be a House Negro. Shit, does Barack Obama ever look comfortable to you? We witnessed all his hair turn gray in less than a year, just running for the Oval Office. If the Black President can't chill for a second, how do you figure you can?

Now that shit has hit the fan, where the fuck are the majority of your white comrades? Busy consoling your wife (which I don't mean to infer for a second that she doesn't deserve); their Caucasian counterpart. Your homie and fellow (white) golfer, Jesper Parnevik, introduced you to your wife, but now says he didn't know that "you were that type of guy (what the fuck does that mean?)" Where is your ace-boon-coon Roger Federer right now? Trying to keep his ass as far away from you as possible, before his Gillette deal is in jeopardy too.

What's also sad is that it seems like you don't even pay attention to history. Kobe Bryant (Black man) gets accused of rape by a white woman, and he has to go on TV and shave his face clean to look less "intimidating" and cry one of those single tears like Denzel in Glory, then spend half the season flying across the country in G-4s from legal courts to basketball courts. However,Ben Roethlisberger (white man) gets accused of rape by a white woman and he isn't even late for practice once. David Letterman (white man) gets EXTORTED by some dude because he was fucking multiple women during his marriage, and he cracks some jokes and the shit blows over, and then you (black man) fuck some broads on the side and he is doing his opening monologue making fun of YOU.

The WORST part of it all? The chicks you was smashing out ain't even POPPIN'!!! These is some REAL EXTRA SO-SO broads at best, and you are about to GIVE UP HALF for them? Of course, NOT A DROP OF COLOR IN ANY OF THEM. Its crazy too, because in looking at some of these texts, it appears that you were dead-ass in love with these chicks too, some of which were even PORNO STARS! How do you have a WIFE and a CHILD at home, and lying down with CAREER COCKSUCKERS?

In fact, you were so far gone with this shit, that you even let one of the chicks, Jaimee Grubbs, gas you up about how you are her "FIRST, LAST, AND ONLY BLACK GUY" and as such, "U SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL", as if this broad is some sort of White Cracker Jack prize or some shit. While it disgusts me that this ignorance didn't even bother you in the least, it was only made worse by your comical response: some stupid-ass comment about being "Bone Thugs in Harmony" (Like, what the fuck are you talking about)?

Now, after the dust settles and you see just how little White America REALLY loves your ass, you are gonna be left with us good old Negroes. One great thing about us as Blacks though, is that we forgive a lot of shit (Michael Jackson and R. Kelly are PEDOPHILES and yet keep iconic status). So while I would not be surprised to see you begin to make a couple of obligatory appearances at black events like the BET AWARDS, or maybe the NAACP Image Awards, I truly hope you wake the fuck up and come to grips with the fact that you are just like the rest of us Negroes, chinky eyes and all.

When all of this shit eventually blows over (and it will), remember the way you feel right now, cooped up in that kitchen like a project drug dealer, with the world casting you as the "typical black man" and don't ever think for a second think you are fully accepted by Caucasians - EVER. This isn't saying that all white people or any whole group of people is completely bad, but what I am saying is that you are not down by blood brother, just relation.

As I watch all of this tomfoolery unfold, I just ask myself, "Why?" Is it stupidity? is it naivety? I and everyone else who watches surely don't have an answer.

Then again, as you told your mistress Jaimee, maybe its just because your "BLASIAN :) (Why the smiley face though?)"

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

R. Kelly: Real Talk, Pick A Fuckin' Fan Base, Because You Slippin'...

You don't understand how much it pains me to write this. This is like when boxer Terry Norris fucked up a well past his prime Sugar Ray Leonard and started crying because he beat the breaks off someone he truly admired.

As I sit here, in my mind I just keep picturing that scene from the 5 Heartbeats, when Eddie Kane shows up with an Academy-Award losing rendition of "Nights Like This", then looks at Flash and mutters in that raspy-ass voice, "How does it feel to be me...". However in this scene, I don't see Eddie Kane's face, I see R. Kelly's; and I don't see Flash's face, I see a Negro like Trey Songz or The-Dream.

Listen, I have always loved this man's music and literally mark certain periods in my life by his songs; like when we didn't have cable in the hood, and my mom's friends used to tape Video Soul for us, and I used to watch the Honey Love video over and over again; When my uncle passed away and I used to cry listening to Turn Back the Hands of Time; When I broke up with an ex and was bumping that I Can't Sleep joint, and when dropped and I spent one sweaty night pounding the ass cheeks out of another ex with straight backshots in her college dorm room to R&B Thug (Good Times!).

Now don't get me wrong, I am simply talking about this man's musical genius, as outside of these songs we all know that "The Pied Piper of Kids and Pee" is a fuckin' perve and a weirdo. We all know he has set the bar in being a cornball, doing dumb shit like wearing purple leather suspender pants and matching doo-rags, wearing braids and singing about weed at the age of 40, having diva fits in the middle of concert tours, and wearing fatigues and pitching tents in the middle of recording studios talking about he "going to war" on his tracks, as if being the first Catch a Predator-eligible R&B singer was not enough for Negroes to clown this man about.

But, the Negro can sing about the dumbest shit in the world, and if that shit got a melody, WE ON IT! He done sung about zoos, sex in kitchens, chicks reminding him of fuck in SUVs, and even about midgets being baby-daddies. To this day, I still do not know what the fuck a "Thoia-Thong" is.

So, in typical fashion, I go and cop this latest R. joint, "Untitled". To my dismay (for my hood Negroes, "surprise"), after listening, I do have a title for this shit: LUKEWARM, or maybe even, LOSIN' IT.

For the record, I am not a musical critic; just a fan. Also, I gotta admit that there are definitely a couple of classic R-Kelly ballads and mid-tempo joints that are straight FIRE, as would be expected of him. However, even if this entire grows on me later (like TP3 had to do), it will not change the fact that Kellz has become a straight up fuckin' sucka for giving up his legendary formula of album creation trying to assimilate (for my hood Negroes, "swagga jack") for the current industry landscape and be a gimmicky artist. If we got this effort from another artist, the album would actually be pretty decent, but for an artist of your stature, a so-so album is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

First off, R. Kelly, you can REALLY fuckin' sing, and yet you got all these tracks using Autotunes? Second, you got a catalog that few others in the music business can rival, and you doing wack-ass collabos with lames like OJ Da Juiceman and singing over club and house beats? Finally, I reiterate: Why the fuck are you singing about weed when you will be 43 in a little over a month! Grow the fuck up! Kellz, like, what the fuck is really going on with you right now? What woman am I gonna be taking to bed with this choppy-ass album? Right when we get into the groove of one of the ballads, the track is gonna switch to you talking about being SUPAMAN HIGH? Grown women don't sex to dumb shit like that - Oh wait, my fault Kellz, I just remembered you got "19 year old friends", as you told Toure on BET, fresh off trial for statutory rape.

Kellz, listen to me: The main reason you have been hot all these years is because you were always CONSISTENT. That's why you and Michael Jackson are the only men that Negroes have rode with through PEDOPHILIA (Yo, do you know how real that shit right there is?!)You got all these little Kellys out here like Trey Songz, The-Dream, and that "Birthday Sex" dude stealing your whole fuckin' blueprint and doing it better than you at the current time, kinda like you did to Aaron Hall. In fact, I ain't even gonna front; as much as it hurts me to admit, Trey Songz album is much hotter than your shit, and you know why? Because he took your whole catalog and condensed it for 2009. Taking nothing away from that man, because I like his music as well, "Invented Sex" is just the new "Sex in the Kitchen" and "Say Aah" is just the new "Fiesta". The sad shit is, you wrote on this man's last album, and after he got poppin' a little bit even came for your neck. Now he on stage lunging Toni Braxton, and you doing songs with fuckin' OJ THE JUICEMAN (As you can see, that collabo got me heated).

Bottom line, Robert Sylvester Kelly, make up your fuckin' mind man; either you wanna keep that fan base that supports you at all your shows and take their wifee or man home and fuck after you do your classics, or you wanna try to "stay relevant" and do "Best of Both Worlds 3" with Plies or Gucci Mane.

Do the latter, and you know what it is with me.

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard