Friday, November 27, 2009

Eli Porter: He "Diid It"!

Meet YouTube rap sensation Eli Porter.

Now I just wanna put a disclaimer out there that this is some of the FOULEST SHIT that I have ever seen done to anyone who is developmentally-disabled (for you hood Negroes,"retarded"), but I can't even front; the shit is HILARIOUS. What is even funnier is the fact that despite his disability, Eli is 10 times better than a lot of rappers in the game now, and if trash-ass Negroes like Gucci Mane and Plies got deals, he gotta be next in line.

Peep Eli in a freestlye battle vs. some clown named Envy below, as well as his first fsingle "Maybach Music Part 2" featuring T-Pain:

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Gilbert Arenas: Coming Home to Dishes and Empty Soda Cans...

So Gilbert Arenas, I guess you and the World's Tallest Minstrel Show, Shaquille O'Neal, have something else in common besides spending half of the NBA regular season on the bench!

Talk about art imitating life! As if it were a trailer to a remake of the classic Jay-Z, Is That Your Chick? video (To illustrate my point I am going to infuse lyrics from this song all throughout this post bolded in italics and parentheses), it has recently come to light that Gilbert Arenas' fiancee, a SEXY ASS red-bone named Laura Govan (on his left in the pic), been taking down my man Shaq Diesel for years (Copped that for his new down bitch, and I been digging that down since '96!). Recently released E-mail exchanges between Shaq and shorty seem to indicate that my dude "Kazaam" been smutting her out real nice; even after she already had two kids with Gilbert and a engagement rock with "no clouds in her stooooones" (She got you whipped, got your kids, got your home, but that's not your bitch! YOU SHARE THAT GIRL!). In fact, this broad is so out of pocket, that apparently in '06, they were gonna break up and she threatened to serve him with paternity papers during a Wizards game!

The saddest shit about the whole situation is that shorty is expecting their 3rd child at the current time, so the Negro in it to win it (How foul is she? And YOU WIFED HER!).

Now, I am not judging anyone, but this situation is fucked up on so many levels:

First, Shaq, you already married with an OD amount of children, and now, in the words of 50, Shaunie O'Neal is going straight to the bank with this (HA, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA). Diesel, you already was on the verge of divorce, until ya legal team broke out a calculator and showed you why it was "cheaper to keep her". Yeah, that money gonna come up, Negro.

Second, apparently Shaunie and Laura were friends, so think of all the times Shaunie was like "Girl, Shaq ain't made me cum in years", and Laura was like "I hear that!" Shaq got his wife out here looking and sounding all stupid and shit.

Third, did y'all Negroes see these texts Shaq and shorty was exchanging?! Shorty talking about Shaq chewing her coochie down, digging her out in cars (I got your, bitch up in my Rover, man) and all types of reckless shit - over i-Phone! (How she say, "Jay, you can call the house for me!"). This is somebody's moms carrying on like this, but I guess like Jody says in Baby Boy, "Mama gotta have a life too..."

Fourth, what the fuck is Gilbert Arenas gonna do about it? Y'all seen what Shaq did to Alvin Robertson jaw and I'm not even gonna mention Greg Ostertag (You seen him since?). Arenas know he don't want NO PROBLEMAS! The other day, I just saw something where Gilbert Arenas had some internet clips where he was sending some "warning shots" at Shaq. Man, besides getting ya ass aired the fuck out, please do not forget that Shaq was all up in the love of ya life and you took Beyonce's advice and put a ring on it (SMH).

Lastly, all these motherfuckas should be 'shamed because there are children in the middle of all this. Now they gotta grow up like, "My moms is a bucket" or "My pops is a sucker for love".

Now, I don't get on these Negroes to say I or you are better than them, because keeping it 100, I done fucked Negroes girls in the past and Negroes done fucked my joints too (Shit, one of my ex's fucked a celebrity on some "Come to the room and play Playstation with me" G; Yeah I played mines lovely with one of those). All of us have played the fool once or twice.

I do get on these Negroes though, because in the midst of all of this opulence (for my hood Negroes, that means "bread" or "guac") these clowns engage in all this tomfoolery (again, for my hood Negroes, that means "stupid shit"), when they should be focusing their celebrity and influence on setting a decent example of adulthood for these little Negroes admiring their silly asses, who are already all fucked up off BET and SMACK DVD's. Everyone of these Negroes is a parent; just fucking ridiculous.

Gilbert and Shaq, y'all both some bitch ass Negroes and y'all need to stop fucking saving these hoes, and start saving y'all motherfucking houses!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Strip Club Etiquette: Yes, There's RULES To This Shit...

So, me and my one of my peoples were at the bar, going hard with the L.I.T.'s as we regularly do, and in our usual drunken stupor, decided it was time for a good ol' trip to our favorite hood tittie bar!

Now, we've thrown many a dollar in this spot, and have occasionally even made it "DRIZZLE" (you will NEVER get "RAIN" from the kid), but for some reason, this night turned into one of experiential learning.

What we took from this night, besides a lot of titty squeezes and ass smacks, was a new found understanding of 21st century strip club etiquette, and how to REALLY get it poppin' like K-Ci and Jo-Jo in the "How Do You Want It Video", on a Corona budget.

Here are 10 points to that will help you navigate through any "tata":

1. Show Up 30-45 Minutes Before the Strip Club Closes - This is a secret me and the crew have used for years. If you come close to closing time you will have the opportunity to catch these strippers trying to finish up stronger than Mariano Rivera, scrambling to get that last-second money harder than John Elway on a 2-minute drive. When they see that fresh "money on the floor", they coming to get it. This also helps when you have been drinking, because it limits the amount of money you can foolishly throw in the midst of your drunk stupidity. Most importantly, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED TO DO IN THE STRIP CLUB THAT TAKES MORE TIME THAN THIS?

2. Act Like You REALLY Give a Fuck About the Negroes Doing Security - Man, fuck these Craig and Day-Day, Top Flight Security-Ass Negroes. Dudes got on suits and bluetooths, fronting like they are ear pieces, all to guard some 3rd-rate broads. Whatever. However, show these brothers some love, and if you're cool, maybe they will turn the other cheek if you cop an inappropriate feel on one of the young ladies!

3. ALWAYS Use An Alias - I shouldn't even have to tell y'all no shit like this. Cats be up in these strip clubs trading FACTUAL contact information with these strippers! Yo, that ain't nothing but an invitation to be a JOHN. You want these strippers to DEAD-ASS KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN PUBLIC? They might even be from your hood, and what if they see you and say wassup, especially if you with your lady? Yo, I would black the fuck out! I remember this stripper asked me, "what is your name, FOR NEXT TIME (Chick, you can't be fuckin' serious?!). My response, "Lawrence....Lawrence Fishburne". Next time, I will be "Larry Hoover". Negroes, y'all need to get a motherfuckin' grip, for real.
4. Avoid Eye Contact - Like Jamie Foxx says about Prince, don't be letting these dancers look you directly in your eyes. If you make eye contact, they are gonna take that as an invitation to be all up in your face with conversation, and with all due respect to these young ladies, I didn't come through to talk.

5. Yo, Keep Y'all Lips Off These Broads Man, For Real - Yo, NOTHING disgusts me more in the strip club to see some lame Negro trying to make a love scene with a stripper - NOTHING. My dude, you know damn well shorty been sliding all over that stage, up and down that dirty ass pole, and cats been spilling their drinks on shorty all night. I probably even done practiced my trademark "dollar-bill jumpshot" in her g-string earlier, but now here yo' ass go, up in here trying to have a male erotica moment by the bar with a STRIPPER like y'all are Jada Pinkett and Alan Payne in Jason's Lyric. Man, you a fuckin' sucker. Save that "It's the Henny" shit too, ain't enough drunk in the motherfuckin' world!

6. When a Stripper Starts Poppin' It On You, Don't Throw It Back Too Hard - Son, don't fight it, just LET IT HAPPEN. You gonna be drunk, standing at the bar, and shorty gonna just drop it right there in front of you and start grinding you down all recklessly and your clown ass gonna wanna prove your "manhood". My dude if you in the strip club, you technically a "grown-ass man" (while some of y'all might act like some bitches), so what business do you have trying to "dip it low" with some broad. Let her get her little dance off, hit her with a couple of singles, and on to the next one.

7. No Wifin' In Da Club: Keep that 20 Dollars - My Negro, can I live up in this bitch too? You always got this brother, who wanna keep the one bangin' one with the fatty and the DSL's (Dick-Sucking Lips) hemmed up in the corner, keeping her cup full, whispering in her ear. Dude, you are the reason these strippers have the "AUDACITY OF HOPE" to be some high-post females, when they the ones in here with all their unmentionables being not only mentioned, but also grabbed and squeezed relentlessly by dirtbag Negroes. Man, let shorty get this money up in here! Larry Johnson-Ass Negro!

8. Compliment the Stripper on Her Tattoos and Her "War Wounds" (and Don't Laugh!) - Strippers almost by definition have the wildest tattoos and scars you will ever see. Shorties be having all types of shit on they body, they kids faces, paws, guns, tears drops from they eyes, the names of dudes who was smashing them out back in the day, and my personal favorite, the butterfly in the middle of the chest, whose wings are made up of her titties. They also be showing off they battle scars too, like the time that trick thought she touched his pocket and tried to stab her (shit get real, sometimes). While that shit be making you wanna laugh, just say "Nice!" and keep it moving. She will appreciate it, show you some assie, let you palm it up, wink, then keep it moving.

9. "Show Mo' Love" to the Wack One - Classic strip club scenario. There is that one stripper who might not be looking right in the least, but she a working girl, and what little she do have, she puttin' out there for Negroes. This is the ONLY time you should be a gentleman in the strip club. Plus, this shit worked for "Shallow Hal" in that flick, and it will make the bangin' ones in the strip club think you sweet, and will get you even more attention, and on a good night, maybe even an extra lappie.

(MOST IMPORTANT) 10. Place the Dollars at the Top of the Ass Crack and Don't Put The Bills Too Close to the Pussy, Because "They Have Germs on Them" - Perhaps the STUPIDEST SHIT I HAVE EVER HEARD IN A STRIP CLUB, but these strippers is really germaphobes when it comes to puttin' dollar bills next to their coochies. Now the fact that a lot of these young ladies will take the average dusty Negro to the backroom and dry fuck and possibly slob a lil' knob for $50-100, kinda flies in the face of this otherwise logical theory, but if these chicks wanna keep my dollars away from they slits, I respect it.

I'm telling yall, this is the blueprint to this strip club shit right here! You think I'm kidding, try it out, just stay the fuck out my way up in the spot!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Larry Johnson, You're Acting Like A Real Bitch These Days: Now, Post That Shit on Twitter, Negro

My first official rant, and I promise, I'm about to let this Negro have it.

As I said in my introductory post, I try to take the time to sit back and OBSERVE things before I render judgements. I also said that I don't judge people, but situations.

I am telling y'all, I try soooo hard to give other black men the benefit of the doubt, particularly one I do not know personally, but FUCK IT: Kansas City Chiefs Running Back Larry Johnson is has been carrying himself like a straight-up, bitch-ass Negro (and YOU KNOW I am biting my tongue not to use the N-Word I wanna use, and I don't mean the one that ends with an "A").

In order to stop any of y'all from thinking that I am hating on this man, I am going to acknowledge that when at his best, this man has displayed a penchant for running all over opposing teams, and making touchdown runs look as easy as YOUR MOTHER (Just kidding (I hope), but I couldn't help it). When the brother CHOOSES to focus on the game, he can be one of the best. As a collegiate player at Penn State University, Larry Johnson amassed amazing stats and has the 3-highest single-game rushing totals in the school's history, having broken his own record twice, including a high of 327 yards. Even as a rookie in the NFL, he is the first player in the league's history to rush for at least 150 yards in each of his first three professional games. I can't front, the dude's game was OFFICIAL. I even rode with this brother during his holdout, because for the numbers he was puttin' up at the time, he deserved far more money than he was getting, especially not to have a guaranteed contract.

Talent aside though, I have also noticed that ever since this man has entered the league, he has tried to portray this persona of being some super-tough guy, but let's REALLY put the microscope on this Negro:

1) Everytime you see this man, he's somewhere "thugged-out" so to speak, tatted up all crazy, big chains, bandanas around his neck, popping bottles crazy, mean-mugging and all types of other pseudo-thug shit. However, let the record show that Larry Alphonso Johnson, Jr. is from a town called La Plata, Maryland (How many scenes from The Wire you saw filmed here?), where he grew up in a house (not apartment) with both his parents, where his father was employed as a high school vice-principal, and played for a high school team called the "Little Lions". Don't this Negro sound like motherfuckin' Papa Doc from 8 Mile? Damn, WikiPedia be exposing these dudes, for real.

2) Carefully OBSERVE this man's fuck-boy demeanor IN GENERAL. He is ALWAYS frowning or whining about some shit, looking like somebody done stole his motherfuckin' 8-Ball jacket. From his rookie year until the present day, he always has some melodrama with his coach. In 2004, he was beefing with then-Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil, because he was whining about playing time and the coach straight up told his bitch-ass, "take the diapers off". Most recently, on October 25th, after putting up some trash numbers, he then proceeds to take his issues with his coach head coach to fuckin' Twitter, comparing his head coach's experience to that of his dad, who is currently a defensive coach at Penn State. Next, when some fans responded negatively to his cyberspace-tough talk, he proceeds to call them "faggots" and follows that with some, "I'm Cak'n Patna", money-talk bullshit that has nothing to do with why this man is out there looking like Blair Thomas (Who? Exactly...). To top it off, the next day, when some reporters confront him about the comments, he brushes them off, and adds them to the "faggot" role call. The funny shit is, after the team's management politely told this Negro to stay the fuck out of the Chiefs facility, he has his agent issue some lame-ass apology on his behalf. Beyond the fact that his comments are clearly offensive, how can you call people faggots when you don't even publicly apologize for that lame shit you was talkin'. Larry, take a look in your Louis Vuitton man-purse (Negro, I know you got one), pull out your compact, and look in the mirror, and I think you'll see the "faggot" in this situation.

3) Larry Johnson has been arrested four times in his life for the same thing - ASSAULTING WOMEN. Among these charges include claims that this Negro has waived a gun at an ex-girlfriend, pushed a female to the ground, mushed some chick and spit a drink in the face of another. My dude, you really spit a drink in some shorty's face? What did she do, make eyes at your man? In that case, you might as well have pulled her hair or something - Oh wait, my bad, you already did that to Troy Polamalu after he intercepted that pass in front of you and your ass couldn't stop him!

Larry, I'm not judging you as a man, because even while I talk this shit, I'm fucked up in many ways too, and underneath it all, your probably a decent person. You are also a young brother, and therefore I understand that popular culture tends to dictate how you should carry yourself as such. What I am judging though, is the way you have let this celebrity shit fuck your whole head up.

If its any consolation, you still my Negro though!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and A Keyboard

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'ma Make Y'all Love Me, Baby...

I'm not even gonna front...My only intention with this blog is to make y'all regret the day Negroes learned how to read, write, and therefore think for themselves - PERIOD.

I'ma also gonna tell y'all now, a lot of the things that you are going to read on this blog are going to sound judgemental - and best believe, you got that shit ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!

I am going to blast off on all types of topics, including other Negroes, non-Negroes, politics, urban life, entertainment, my own dumb ass and if she's anywhere in my vicinity when I'm typing, even your mother! But in any judgements I make about issues, I will NEVER JUDGE PEOPLE, JUST SITUATIONS, because we are all FUCKED UP in one way or another, and believe me, when you hear me talk this shit I talk, you will quickly see that I am no better than y'all, nor will I ever profess to be.

Now I will admit, there will probably be times that I sound like a real asshole, other times like a Black Republican, and even occasionally, like that brother that cock-blocked you at the martini bar last weekend, when you had on your tailor-made Van Heusen suit, buying those sexy 20-somethings all of those free Patron shots, lying about your job, and I asked you after a few L.I.T.'s of my own, "Are those your daughters?" In reality though, I'm just as normal as any of you that are reading these rants.

I have been blessed to experience a lot at an early age (if you consider your 30's early) and without running my whole resume like a cornball, I have a Masters Degree and have been fortunate to have a number of different managerial jobs over the years. But more important than any of these surface-level accomplishments, is the fact that I have always OBSERVED everything around me, and have actually taken the time to try and make sense of this world, not only from my perspective, but the perspective of OTHERS. I read a lot as well, especially publications that help me find my way as a Black male, like W.E.B. DuBois, Carter G. Woodson, Eldridge Cleaver, Cornel West and Barack Obama.

However, rest assured, I'm am in no way a Black Elitist, bourgeoisie ("booshie" for my hood Negroes), or anything of the sort. In fact Negroes, I'm from the same hood y'all from, played ball in the same courts y'all did, grew up with the same crackheads y'all did, and sexed or got "top" from the same hood-booger and tramp-stamp broads y'all have, in the same pissy staircases, on the same couches, in the same public bathrooms and in the same backseats y'all have. So goes the dichotomy of my life.

At any rate, this blog is going to be therapeutic for me, because like y'all, I got shit to deal with, and I'ma work my shit out by going hard at things that affect my daily experience. In doing this, I hope I can bring a little extra insight to your world and maybe if I'm lucky, entertain you a little bit.

I'm also gonna let some of my peoples get up on this blog from time to time and holla at y'all about the nonsense they deal with, just so y'all can truly see that this Negro ain't at all crazy.

In the end, I promise to hold nothing back from y'all no matter how outlandish it may seem, and I promise that on this blog you will always get REAL TALK (I hate that dumb-ass phrase, but I couldn't think of any better way to phrase it). Like the tagline says, "Ain't No Science To This Shit", I'm just talking. But please know, I'MA MAKE Y'ALL LOVE ME...

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and A Keyboard