R. Kelly: Real Talk, Pick A Fuckin' Fan Base, Because You Slippin'...

You don't understand how much it pains me to write this. This is like when boxer Terry Norris fucked up a well past his prime Sugar Ray Leonard and started crying because he beat the breaks off someone he truly admired.

As I sit here, in my mind I just keep picturing that scene from the 5 Heartbeats, when Eddie Kane shows up with an Academy-Award losing rendition of "Nights Like This", then looks at Flash and mutters in that raspy-ass voice, "How does it feel to be me...". However in this scene, I don't see Eddie Kane's face, I see R. Kelly's; and I don't see Flash's face, I see a Negro like Trey Songz or The-Dream.

Listen, I have always loved this man's music and literally mark certain periods in my life by his songs; like when we didn't have cable in the hood, and my mom's friends used to tape Video Soul for us, and I used to watch the Honey Love video over and over again; When my uncle passed away and I used to cry listening to Turn Back the Hands of Time; When I broke up with an ex and was bumping that I Can't Sleep joint, and when TP2.com dropped and I spent one sweaty night pounding the ass cheeks out of another ex with straight backshots in her college dorm room to R&B Thug (Good Times!).

Now don't get me wrong, I am simply talking about this man's musical genius, as outside of these songs we all know that "The Pied Piper of Kids and Pee" is a fuckin' perve and a weirdo. We all know he has set the bar in being a cornball, doing dumb shit like wearing purple leather suspender pants and matching doo-rags, wearing braids and singing about weed at the age of 40, having diva fits in the middle of concert tours, and wearing fatigues and pitching tents in the middle of recording studios talking about he "going to war" on his tracks, as if being the first Catch a Predator-eligible R&B singer was not enough for Negroes to clown this man about.

But, the Negro can sing about the dumbest shit in the world, and if that shit got a melody, WE ON IT! He done sung about zoos, sex in kitchens, chicks reminding him of fuck in SUVs, and even about midgets being baby-daddies. To this day, I still do not know what the fuck a "Thoia-Thong" is.

So, in typical fashion, I go and cop this latest R. joint, "Untitled". To my dismay (for my hood Negroes, "surprise"), after listening, I do have a title for this shit: LUKEWARM, or maybe even, LOSIN' IT.

For the record, I am not a musical critic; just a fan. Also, I gotta admit that there are definitely a couple of classic R-Kelly ballads and mid-tempo joints that are straight FIRE, as would be expected of him. However, even if this entire grows on me later (like TP3 had to do), it will not change the fact that Kellz has become a straight up fuckin' sucka for giving up his legendary formula of album creation trying to assimilate (for my hood Negroes, "swagga jack") for the current industry landscape and be a gimmicky artist. If we got this effort from another artist, the album would actually be pretty decent, but for an artist of your stature, a so-so album is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

First off, R. Kelly, you can REALLY fuckin' sing, and yet you got all these tracks using Autotunes? Second, you got a catalog that few others in the music business can rival, and you doing wack-ass collabos with lames like OJ Da Juiceman and singing over club and house beats? Finally, I reiterate: Why the fuck are you singing about weed when you will be 43 in a little over a month! Grow the fuck up! Kellz, like, what the fuck is really going on with you right now? What woman am I gonna be taking to bed with this choppy-ass album? Right when we get into the groove of one of the ballads, the track is gonna switch to you talking about being SUPAMAN HIGH? Grown women don't sex to dumb shit like that - Oh wait, my fault Kellz, I just remembered you got "19 year old friends", as you told Toure on BET, fresh off trial for statutory rape.

Kellz, listen to me: The main reason you have been hot all these years is because you were always CONSISTENT. That's why you and Michael Jackson are the only men that Negroes have rode with through PEDOPHILIA (Yo, do you know how real that shit right there is?!)You got all these little Kellys out here like Trey Songz, The-Dream, and that "Birthday Sex" dude stealing your whole fuckin' blueprint and doing it better than you at the current time, kinda like you did to Aaron Hall. In fact, I ain't even gonna front; as much as it hurts me to admit, Trey Songz album is much hotter than your shit, and you know why? Because he took your whole catalog and condensed it for 2009. Taking nothing away from that man, because I like his music as well, "Invented Sex" is just the new "Sex in the Kitchen" and "Say Aah" is just the new "Fiesta". The sad shit is, you wrote on this man's last album, and after he got poppin' a little bit even came for your neck. Now he on stage lunging Toni Braxton, and you doing songs with fuckin' OJ THE JUICEMAN (As you can see, that collabo got me heated).

Bottom line, Robert Sylvester Kelly, make up your fuckin' mind man; either you wanna keep that fan base that supports you at all your shows and take their wifee or man home and fuck after you do your classics, or you wanna try to "stay relevant" and do "Best of Both Worlds 3" with Plies or Gucci Mane.

Do the latter, and you know what it is with me.

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard